Don't Ask, Don't Tell
DADT · DADT relationship · Don't-Ask-Don't-Tell non-monogamy
Added 26 Jul 2026 · Updated 22 Aug 2026
A non-monogamous arrangement in which each partner may see other people, but both agree not to discuss those relationships. No questions asked, no details offered.
- Prevalence
- Uncommon · 1% of adults
- Type
- Relationship structure
- Family
- Open structures
- Also known as
- DADT, DADT relationship, Don't-Ask-Don't-Tell non-monogamy
- Confidence
- Low confidence
Overview
Don't Ask, Don't Tell (DADT) is a form of consensual non-monogamy in which partners agree that each may pursue romantic or sexual relationships outside the primary partnership, on the condition that neither discloses what happens in them. In principle the rule runs both ways: no one asks, and no one tells. In practice it is often lopsided, with one partner doing most of the outside seeing and the other actively choosing not to know (Polyamory Dictionary).
DADT is best understood as one point on a disclosure spectrum that runs through every form of open relationship and polyamory. At one end sits full transparency: partners share names, plans and feelings about metamours. In the middle sit partial policies such as "only tell when asked" or a basic heads-up before a date. At the far end sits DADT, where partners deliberately withhold even the fact that an encounter took place (Feeld / Dr. Zhana Vrangalova).
Examples
DADT is defined by a rule about information rather than by what anyone does, so its boundaries are best drawn against the neighbouring disclosure styles.
What the term covers. A married couple who agree either may see other people and that neither will mention it; the asymmetric version, where one partner does most of the outside seeing and the other actively prefers not to know; and agreements that keep a short list of exceptions (an obligation to disclose an STI exposure, a promise of discretion inside a shared social circle) while holding everything else in silence. The agreement itself is explicit; only its contents are not.
What the term does not cover. Infidelity is not DADT, because there is no agreement to be silent, only concealment. Parallel polyamory is adjacent but more open: metamours know each other exists and safety practices are usually shared, where DADT may not confirm that anyone else is involved at all. Kitchen-table polyamory sits at the opposite end of the same spectrum, and a monogamous couple who simply never discuss past partners is not practising DADT, since nothing outside the relationship has been permitted.
How the word is used. The phrase is borrowed, not coined: it comes from the US military policy in force from 1994 to 2011, applied by analogy to a household rule. It is community jargon, almost always abbreviated to DADT, appears in no clinical or diagnostic text, and is frequently used critically: polyamory educators reach for it when describing the weakest form of informed consent, not the most private one.
History
The source phrase names a specific U.S. military policy: signed into Department of Defense directive in December 1993, effective February 1994, and repealed on September 20, 2011, after Congress voted to end it and President Obama signed the repeal into law the previous December (Wikipedia). The policy itself had nothing to do with relationship structure (it governed whether gay and lesbian troops could serve without stating their orientation), but its central mechanism, an agreement not to ask and not to tell, transferred cleanly to households negotiating non-monogamy. Writers and educators in polyamory and swinging communities picked up the label as shorthand for arrangements built on deliberate non-disclosure, and it now appears alongside terms like kitchen-table polyamory and parallel polyamory in the working vocabulary of that world (Ready for Polyamory).
How it works in practice
DADT is frequently described as an extreme version of parallel polyamory, a structure where a person's partners lead separate lives and rarely, if ever, interact. Parallel polyamory still typically involves some baseline information, such as knowing a metamour exists and agreeing on safety practices; DADT strips that down further, so that a partner may not confirm whether anyone else is currently involved at all (Ready for Polyamory). Couples who adopt it commonly do so to manage jealousy: not hearing details is meant to remove the trigger, leaving mental space for the rest of the relationship and, for some, for other priorities entirely (Non-Monogamy Help).
Even strict DADT agreements usually retain a small set of non-negotiable terms (commonly around STI testing, discretion in shared social circles, or an obligation to say something if a health risk or a serious entanglement arises) rather than covering literally everything. Where the line sits is set couple by couple, and the same two people may adjust it as circumstances change (Feeld / Dr. Zhana Vrangalova).
Demographics & research
There is no population survey that isolates DADT as its own category; consensual non-monogamy research groups disclosure styles together or focuses on the umbrella practice. The closest available figures describe consensual non-monogamy broadly: in two U.S. samples of single adults surveyed for the Singles in America project, 21.9% and 21.2% respectively reported having engaged in some form of CNM at some point in their lives, while other estimates put current CNM practice in the U.S. and Canada at roughly 4% to 5% of adults (Institute for Family Studies, citing Haupert et al.). A separate 2018 YouGov survey for BYU's Wheatley Institution found 12% of respondents had ever been in an openly non-exclusive relationship, with fewer than one in five Millennials reporting the same (Institute for Family Studies). Within that population, sexuality researchers who write on disclosure describe fully disclosed arrangements as the more commonly reported style, with DADT occupying a smaller share of the CNM population rather than the default (Feeld / Dr. Zhana Vrangalova).
Common misconceptions
A common misreading treats DADT as a euphemism for cheating, or as license for one partner to do as they like while the other quietly disapproves. Practitioners distinguish this from actual DADT: the arrangement requires informed agreement to the rule of non-disclosure itself, entered into knowingly by both people, rather than deception about whether outside relationships are happening at all (Non-Monogamy Help).
A second misconception is that withholding information makes DADT the easiest or lowest-conflict form of non-monogamy. Critics inside polyamorous communities argue the opposite: because consent theory generally holds that a person cannot meaningfully consent to what they have no information about, an arrangement built on structural non-disclosure limits how informed that consent can be, particularly around exposure to sexually transmitted infections or the depth of an outside relationship. For this reason, many polyamory educators and clinicians regard DADT as a weaker form of consent than fully disclosed consensual non-monogamy, and some describe it as more prone to resembling infidelity, ending in dissolution, or collapsing back into monogamy after the secrecy becomes unsustainable (Ready for Polyamory; Non-Monogamy Help).
Common questions
What does DADT mean in a relationship?
DADT stands for don't ask, don't tell. It is a non-monogamy agreement in which each partner may see other people on the condition that neither discloses what happens: no questions from one side, no details from the other. The permission is mutual and explicit; the silence is the point. It borrows its name from the US military policy of the same phrase, which had nothing to do with relationship structure.
Is a don't ask, don't tell relationship the same as cheating?
No, though the two can look alike from outside. In DADT both partners have knowingly agreed to the rule of non-disclosure itself, and both know outside relationships are permitted. In infidelity there is no agreement at all: the concealment covers whether anything is happening, not merely the details. The distinction is whether silence was negotiated or imposed.
What is the difference between DADT and parallel polyamory?
Degree of information. Parallel polyamory keeps partners' lives separate (metamours rarely meet) but usually preserves a baseline: knowing a metamour exists, agreeing on safer-sex practices, hearing that a date happened. DADT strips that baseline away, so a partner may not be told whether anyone else is currently involved. DADT is often described as parallel polyamory taken to its limit.
Why do polyamory educators criticise don't ask, don't tell?
Because consent normally requires information. If a partner is structurally prevented from knowing about outside relationships, they cannot weigh what they are agreeing to: most concretely their exposure to sexually transmitted infections, and less concretely how serious an outside relationship has become. Educators and clinicians therefore treat DADT as a weaker form of informed consent than fully disclosed non-monogamy, and note it is more prone to collapsing back into monogamy or into infidelity.
Does a DADT agreement cover absolutely everything?
Rarely. Most couples keep a small set of non-negotiables outside the silence: STI testing and disclosure of any health risk, discretion within a shared social circle, and sometimes an obligation to speak up if an outside relationship becomes serious. Where the line falls is set couple by couple and often moves over time, which is why two DADT arrangements can differ substantially in how much is actually withheld.
How common are don't ask, don't tell relationships?
No survey measures DADT as its own category. The surrounding figures are for consensual non-monogamy generally: roughly 4–5% of US adults are estimated to be practising some form of it at any given time, with lifetime figures of 21.9% and 21.2% in two samples of single Americans reported by Haupert and colleagues. Within that population, writers on disclosure describe fully disclosed arrangements as the more common style and DADT as a minority of it.
Consensual Non-MonogamyAn umbrella term for any arrangement in which everyone involved knowingly agrees that partners may have additional romantic or sexual relationships. That knowing agreement is what separates it from cheating.
Open RelationshipA committed couple who, by explicit and ongoing mutual consent, allow one or both partners sexual involvement with people outside the relationship. The couple itself stays the primary, central bond.
Parallel PolyamoryA polyamorous network style in which relationships run alongside each other with little or no contact between metamours. Metamours are informed of one another but do not interact.
Kitchen-Table PolyamoryA polyamorous network style in which everyone involved, including metamours, is comfortable interacting and socializing together. It is named for the idea that the whole group could sit down at one table.
- Swinging57/100Acts & ActivitiesA form of consensual non-monogamy in which committed partners engage in sexual activity with others, often by exchanging partners. The exchange happens largely within a couple-oriented social scene. It is typically recreational rather than romantic.57
- Cuckolding66/100Troilism · Power, Roles & ScenariosA consensual erotic interest, sometimes termed troilism, in which a person is aroused by their committed partner's intimacy with someone else. The arousal can come from watching, knowing about, or imagining it. It ranges from humiliation play to affirming compersion.66
- Hotwife52/100Power, Roles & ScenariosA consensual-non-monogamy dynamic in which one partner takes pleasure and pride in their partner having other sexual partners. The first is called the "stag," the second the "hotwife" or "vixen." Unlike cuckolding, the framing centers on pride, admiration, and compersion rather than humiliation.52
The phrase is borrowed, not coined, for this use. It comes from the U.S. military's 1993 policy of the same name: a compromise, associated with the sociologist Charles Moskos, under which service members were not asked about their sexual orientation and were not to disclose it, in effect from February 1994 until its repeal in September 2011 (Wikipedia; History.com). Non-monogamy communities adopted the phrase by analogy: a household rule of mutual silence, applied to a partner's outside relationships instead of a soldier's orientation.
Prevalence is computed from the entry's cited population estimate. Rows marked ESTare indicative editorial estimates scored against a fixed anchor rubric, not measured quantities. Method & anchors: methodology.
Uncommon · ≈ 1 in 100
Basis: No survey measures DADT as a distinct practice; derived as a minority slice of the roughly 4-5% of US adults currently practicing consensual non-monogamy (Haupert et al., cited via Institute for Family Studies), since sources describing disclosure styles report fully disclosed arrangements as the more common pattern within that population and DADT as a smaller subset.
- 01Wikipedia, Don't ask, don't tellOrigin of the phrase as US military policy; effective date, repeal date.
- 02HISTORY, How Clinton's 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' Policy Affected LGBTQ Military1993 compromise policy, repeal timeline.
- 03Feeld, Dr. Zhana on Disclosed or Don't Ask Don't Tell open relationshipsDisclosure spectrum definition; relative prevalence of disclosed vs DADT styles; practical carve-outs within DADT agreements.
- 04Ready for Polyamory, Kitchen Table to Parallel Polyamory, Part 8: Extreme Parallel and Don't Ask, Don't TellRelationship to parallel polyamory; informed-consent critique; practitioner outcomes.
- 05Non-Monogamy Help, What is Don't Ask, Don't Tell or DADT in polyamory?How the arrangement functions; motivations; consent and transparency critique.
- 06Polyamory Dictionary, Don't Ask Don't TellWorking community definition of DADT.
- 07Institute for Family Studies, Have 1 in 5 Americans Been in a Consensual Non-Monogamous Relationship?CNM lifetime and current-practice prevalence figures (Haupert et al.; i-Fidelity/YouGov survey).